9 Years Gone

I am sitting here right now in the dark writing this with tears streaming down my face. The police have just left after doing a standby while he picked up the rest of his things. I honestly never thought this day would come and I am so devastated.

My husband has been having an affair for the last year with a married woman that I thought was my friend. A woman that lived in my home for a period of time and pretended to be my friend to my face. What makes it even worse is they conceived a child together. We had tried off and on over the last 9 years to get pregnant and always failed. My doctors finally came to the conclusion that I suffer from something called Autoimmune Infertility.

What I hate is that I still love him. I have NO idea why but I do…..I made him leave on a night where its almost at freezing. Is he going to be safe? Warm? These are things that cross my mind and I have no idea why they do. I find my self SO angry because I still care about him. So much that I tried to work through the affair but it all went to shit with the birth of his illegitimate child. He turned into a different person even though he claimed he loved me and wanted to work on us.

It hurts the most that I care about someone who obviously doesn’t care about me. He has told me on countless occasions that he hates me and the affair was my fault because I’m “mean to him”. I find my self SO angry at my self for loving someone who doesn’t deserve my love.

My chest hurts and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like I have an overwhelming cloud of darkness overtaking me. I feel so lost because 9 years is just gone like that. It is such a scary feeling and at this current moment in time, I feel like I have NO idea how to even carry on.

As I sit here right now I can’t help but let my mind wander to is he warm? safe? hungry? and it brings me such pain to think of these things because again I’m angry that I could care about someone who obviously doesn’t care about me.

4 comments / Add your comment below

  1. I know this is a few days late but I hope you’re doing okay. You’ll be in my prayers. Nine years is a long time but you can get through it. Don’t make yourself miserable.

  2. I know that I am late to the party here but I have to say something. Don’t ever let him blame you for his actions. He made choices that he isn’t taking responsibility for. If he is angry then it is probably because of the issues he is having since you found out.
    I am so sorry you are going through this. No matter what he says remember that you have value!!!!

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